How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
