I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
