I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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