I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
