do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
