so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
