in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's official drugs can't kill me
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
