I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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