Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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