My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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