He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i think i just lost a toe
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
