theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
