remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
