I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
