I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
