I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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