Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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