i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
