I want to stick my p in your. b.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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