he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
