I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
