I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
They have beer where we have blood.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
