After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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