you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Come on in and take your pants off
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