Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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