hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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