I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Randomize
