My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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