I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
