Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
