I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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