I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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