DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
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she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
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I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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