I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
