What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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