atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
