she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
