Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
