I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
