He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
