Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
