i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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