My first STD was from a foam party
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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