why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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