I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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