it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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