So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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