True but thats because hes a fetus.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
