honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
