sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
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You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
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The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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