the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
