I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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