Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize