I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
