I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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