Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
