You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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